I’m sure I’ve written about this in the past, but it’s so good, I think it bears repeating. These are said to be some actual answers made by sixth graders to tests on history and the Bible. I’ve given my opinion (in parentheses) on each answer.

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics and lived in the Sarah Dessert. (Yes, hydraulics is much easier to understand, and spell, than hieroglyphics.)

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died of an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. (Who needs hemlock if in a really bad marriage?)

In the Olympics, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits and threw the java. (Sounds as if restaurants in Greece served really lousy breakfasts, or, maybe, way back then, there were no manufacturers of the discus and the javelin.)

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him, they thought he was going to be kind. Dying, he gasped out, “Tee hee, Brutus.” (Sounds as if Julius died happy.)

William Tell shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head. (There may be a core of truth in that one.)

Magna Carta provided that no man could be hanged twice for the same offense. (Rope salesmen hated it.)

It was an era of great invention and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh invented cigarettes and began smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. (Sir Francis must have been a real cut-up.)

During the Renaissance, America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cruising about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Fe. (The last one was named by New Mexicans of the New World.)

The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t have any children.

One of the greatest causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without any stamps. Finally, the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis. (I like this story better than one in the history books. I always thought taxes should be stamped out.)

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared “a horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. (Much later, during secession of the southern states, Abraham Lincoln apparently took the “r” out of horse and quoted Franklin.)

Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution, the people enjoy the right to keep bare arms. (Let the NRA deal with that one.)

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the east and the sun sets in the west. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. (That thorn was probably caused by the war of the roses and her death not only ended her reign, but a lot of her other activities, as well.)

The 19th century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote The Organ of the Species. Marie Curie discovered radio, and Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers. (Great things which failed the cut for both the Encyclopedia Britannica and Americana. Or even the Saturday Evening Post.)

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, said, “Am I my brother’s son?” (The Supreme Being hadn’t thought to put a biology teacher in the Garden of Eden.)

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the 10 commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada. (Yeast, Sinai and Canaan were not yet being written about.)

Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. (The wives probably used porcupines to chase away concubines.)

Patty Moore writes columns for Atchison Globe ev’ry so oft’n from good ol’ Everest, about a few things, f’rinstance, when ol’ Tweety Bird gets up to no good. Send feedback to globe@npgco.com.

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